Guilty Palms

Three resounding victories for congress! Rahul baba does it again. Congress’s enfant terrible is suddenly the face of Indian politics. He’s young by political standards, articulate and charismatic. He goes to the homes of poor people, spends time with them and eats their food without suffering from dysentery. Ah, Rahul baba, who was once ridiculed for spending too much time playing cricket in UP, has undergone a serious makeover. There was a time when he was being blamed for all the election reverses that congress faced. His immaturity was being highlighted all over the media. What has changed so much? Kalavati, the poor widow from Vidarbha became an overnight star after Rahul baba endorsed the fact that farmer suicides in the region were a serious enough issue for the Maharashtra state government to consider. So what happened in Vidarbha after Rahul baba’s visit? Have the suicides stopped? Wasn’t Kalavati forced to back down from contesting the Maharashtra state election from a non-congress ticket by the grand old party’s henchmen? Did not the incumbents who can be held responsible for the crisis in Vidarbha get congress tickets again this election?

These are just a few questions which come across my mind as I see the media endorsement of congress and its poster-boy. On my part, I blame the Nehru-Gandhi family for almost everything that’s wrong with India. I blame the womanizing patriarch of this family who let India be a pushover in international politics and allowed us to be mauled by the yellow-skinned bastards. His daughter, the megalomaniac bitch is responsible for the dictatorial politics that is now the motto of her party. The grandson called Rajiv, who apart from making money from gun deals, also wanted to project India as a South Asian superpower and finally got his ass blown up by the LTTE in 1992. Although Rajiv’s intentions were noble, he failed to understand that the LTTE were trained very well by the Indian military as per the directive of his mother. Now the great-grandson is lining up for the job and I’m not sure of how much mess he’s capable of making.

The problem also lies with the people of India and their inherent laziness- ‘CHALTA HAI’ and also their love for the “Stars/Idols”. We like to take things for granted.

Yes, we are doing well. We have the most sincere guy out there leading us.

Sincerity can be faked and so also the statistics.

We have the world’s largest functional democracy and our economy is doing well. By 2030, India will be the world’s third biggest economy and by 2040 no Indian will remain below the poverty line.

I totally agree. Why? Because those people who are saying this would be dead by 2040 and as for the new breed, they will simply revise the poverty line to make us feel good. India has always been and will always be the land of 1000 promises, none fulfilled. Have you ever truthfully believed in the song, ‘Saare Jahan se Acha’? It reminds us of our own credulity. We can never be the best, not with this attitude.

Indian Politics! No one plays the game better than the grand old party. When faced with imminent collapse after the left pulled out last year, they magically pulled out so many bunnies from their hat, that even the opposition was mystified. Crores of rupees were transferred overnight and the voice of the opposition MP’s who claimed bribery was downed in the subsequent euphoria. That’s why we need the BJP. Yeah, it’s a communal party with no definite morals but so is the case with congress. Do you really believe them when they say that their ‘HAATH’ is with the ‘AAM AADMI’? It has never been with the ‘AAM AADMI’. This was best exemplified in the 80’s when the Ambani brothers were allowed to brazenly flout the rules of the country for their own profit. We see it even now when they are playing politics over a national resource like gas while our PM watches on like the proverbial Dhitrashtra. 

We need a strong opposition to keep the congress in check and we don’t have many options. We have the Left who are nothing but a bunch of glorified wankers who resort to communism only as a shield to defend their ineptitude.

Everybody’s poor. Everybody’s equal.

 This is the only motto they go by. Don’t bother with the regional parties who are a bigger threat to India’s integrity than the Pakistani terrorists. The only credible opposition we can hope for is a strong BJP and we desperately need them to keep the Congress in check. History needs to be studied to remember the corrupting force of absolute power. Be it Hitler, Stalin or even Indira- We have seen it all but somehow we seem to forget the lesson in the mundane. The BJP is a communal party. I don’t disagree, but it is communal because we are not a secular nation. Hate breeds hate. The real reason we feel disillusioned with the BJP is because they don’t have someone who can satisfy our voracious appetite for idol worship. They need someone like Rahul Gandhi and truth be told- we need BJP to have someone like Rahul Gandhi for our own good.

The Sambhar Journals

I'm fat.I'm ugly.When I walk on the street,the world stops to admire me.The fair belles go gaga over me saying words that sound like "Ui Ma" , "Amma" or "Nennu Sexy ra".I don't know what causes it.Maybe it's the innate X-factor.I have a dense undergrowth on my lips, still I'm the most kissable thing on the planet.I walk into a dark alley and find heavily moustached rascalas(not more rascala than me though) molesting a pretty,dumb little thing in skirts.Though I haven't been to a gym in my life,I am the strongest person on the planet.I can't lift my legs upto my waist but I'm the most flexible thing around.They call me O-M-F-G-SuperElastic Reddy.I will save the pretty,dumb little thing from the bastards and then I'll teach her a lesson in manners,gradually South-Indianising her and forcing her to willingly wear Green Sarees and Badboodar(smelly)gazras.The dumb chick has been exported from the ignorant north where common-sense is still a force to be reckoned with.She'll speak in accented tones and is young enough to be my son's daughter but I'll be the one romancing her.Mother Earth wails out in pain when I do my routine which only few can refer to as dancing.The Goddess of English feels molested every time I speak her language.She holds her hands over her naked bosom and pleads with teary eyes but I don't stop because I'm a man on a mission.The laws of gravity surrender when I take to arms.Newton can twist and turn in his empty grave but he can do nothing.No villain has ever touched me because I'm faster than the speed of light.I jump dimensions and anticipate their moves in advance which begs a question from the writer of this moving piece of crap-Why the hell do I exist? I am the closest one can be to god.His eyes swell with tears when he(the writer) sees me on the white canvas.Some of my bigger admirers even piss in their pants because they can't take(hold) it anymore.As for the rest,they just say "What the Fuck ! Ye Cinema hai ya Circus."A familiar voice in my head says,"Mind It".

Paradise Lost

It's been almost 4 weeks for me in the city of joy.I can't properly calculate the amount of joy i have received but it's not been very bad here.The 5 min trip from here to dumdum via a local train is well,hell but i am almost starting to enjoy it.People packed inside claustrophobic coaches like sardines in a tin can,sweat dripping from your temples mingles with the sweat dripping from someone's palms until each and every person feels the same or at least smells the same.It's true.There's a surprising homogeneity found in the local trains.I maybe wearing branded Levi's jeans and Nike sneakers but i feel no different from the vendor standing beside me who's planning to sell his stale cheese.
Above all a local train bogie is a gay paradise.What can be more fulfilling for a gay person than a train full of sweaty men,bodies clinging together.I have read about the roman orgies.The closest you can get to it in India is here in the local train.It may sound ridiculous but wait until you hear the sounds emanating from the mouths of people as the train leaves the station and mother air breezes into the bogie.The oohs and the aahs are probably more pronounced than in an actual sexual encounter.This plus the fact that nobody is faking.
A few days ago,we had to skip 3 local trains and had to board the 4th one and that too barely with a slice of luck.My friend,the giant of a man in spite of his full might was pushed deep inside the bogie while i was stuck in no man's land for a terrifying few seconds.Finally a strong kick to my ass sent me flying inside to the safe zone.The journey was as hellish as it can get.I was standing on one leg.The other was resting in midair.I wasn't the only unlucky guy as someone Else's leg couldn't find the ground.Unluckily for me the unlucky leg's knee was stuck to my fine arse and threatening to go places where nothing has gone before(Star Trek dejaVu-saw it in IMAX) .It would have been awkward for most people but I'm not one to air my grievances,not always.A stray knee was any day better than a stray hand.That my friends would have been seriously uncomfortable.
I am not absolutely sure(there's always an element of doubt in such cases) but i think,i had the first gay encounter of my life.Not exactly the first one i have seen but the first i had when i was aware of the meaning of the term gay.Don't ask me about the very first ones-to clear the air,it wasn't me the thing was happening to,the victim was a friend of mine,we had no idea what was happening,the guy who was doing whatever the hell he was doing has been in jail for some years now and i wish to keep the identity of the victim a secret(don't want to scar him for the rest of his life).Plus as kids,some of us used to flash our assets in public.But that was perfectly normal.You can blame that on hormones and well,dick-headedness.
About the encounter,it didn't happen in the local train.It happened in the metro.That's the reason i can tell.In the local train even if you have someone's pelvic region rubbing around your posterior,you are willing to take a chance.After all everyone there is the victim of the country's overpopulation and the government's apathy.But in metros,the case is otherwise.It's perfectly possible to maintain a respectable 2 inch difference between your crotch and the next guy.However this guy,not very respectable looking,around 40 years of brown meat,slightly bald was not very keen to do that.Now you may think that I'm gloating but i think that I'm a reasonably attractive man that any guy or girl would like to hang out with.I tried to shove this guy away and was successful for a brief few seconds but his swinging crotch again caught me at the farthest point of its oscillation.Being a man it's not easy to accept defeat,slinking away after being pushed in a train is the last thing you would like to do.So i pushed again with the same exact result.His tingling antennas keenly attached to my unwilling posterior.At this point i turned around to face the guy who with remarkable shamelessness thrust his manhood forward again.It was a direct competition for me now.I felt violated.I longed to make a scene but the alien that I'm to this place,i couldn't risk tackling a Bengali in his homeground.Even a homosexual bengali with the fiery Bong rhetoric is a dangerous opposition.There's a thing about Bengalis.They are usually the most docile ones when it comes to fighting.On the physical front,i can take on a regiment of Bengalis quite successfully.Bengalis detest violence.But they don't detest shouting or unnecessarily airing their views.
Consider a situation.You meet a Bengali and get into an argument.The Bengali will be more verbose and will be shouting at a deafening level even though you urge peace.You can't stand it any longer.You punch the guy in the face,kick him in the groin but you can't stop him from speaking.You get tired.You walk away but you can still hear the Bengali shouting after you.The moral victory is always with the Bengali.You can't have it.The Bengali got to have the last word in everything.
Sorry i drifted away from the encounter.So finally i placed my hands in front as my last line of defense.I think some of you could smell my victory but alas it was not to be.Now my dear perpetrator had the luxury of a free handjob.I gave up tired,defeated and shifted my position away from his basecamp.
Dear friends,i haven't tasted such a defeat for a long time and its memory will linger in my consciousness for a long time.For the first time i have to admit defeat in my very own pages with my very own words.The taste of defeat isn't just sour.It's acrid.I can say nothing but Goodbye for now.Hope to see you soon and maybe next time we'll share the spoils of my victory.
Adios!!

The Evil Network

I have this persistent scowl on my face ever since i came home for the summer.I can't get it off my face even though i try to get rid of it sometimes.To tell you the truth,i'm not sure if i even want to get rid of it.I see a million faults in everything's that happening around me.I have hardly seen anything of late that i can even mildly appreciate.Of course everything is not worth appreciating and the sheer stupidity of some things drives me to madness.They refer to the television(Tv)as the 'idiot box'.I don't agree.They should call it the goddamn-motherfucking-son of all bitches shit-box.
The amount of crap flowing on Tv can put the Mumbai sewage system to shame.You have these absolutely horrible,so called 'tearjearker' shows.Tearjearker!my ignoble ass.The stupidity of these people frustrates me,makes me want to chew up my own balls.You have young women playing 40 something's,wearing heavy-duty makeup and of course,crying glycerine all day and yeah to top it all,the very fashion conscious ladies live in a village.It's an insult to common-sense.I can imagine that maybe the assholes who make these programmes haven't been to a village but i don't believe that they were all orphans.Some of them may have had proper parents.I guess maybe their mom's were always dressed up day and night,waiting for a chance to commit adultery with their friendly neighbourhood uncle.Fuck them.
And now to my favourite part.MTV!!Dumb has never been so big.MTV personifies dumb.It's to the dumb,for the dumb and by the dumb.To the people who watch MTV- Roadies or Splitsvilla,you guys are,i must say it,MORONS.And i say this to anyone who's a Roadie fan.I'll say again,you're a moron and an asshole.I wish i could take a long and thick iron rod,shove it down your ass and thermally expand it(the rod moron,your ass has a very poor thermal conductivity,it will shrivel and burn without expanding).The same 'cool' guys who watch MTV Roadies scoff at saas-bahu serials.Those bitches and whores who do politics in a pseudo-joint-loving family domain are not very different from the assholes on Roadies who do it in a custom made enviornment.And atleast the poor bitches are mostly acting from a script.Roadies is entertainment in the cheapest form,quite akin to those crass American pie movies and it's not even funny.You get socially inept,politically incorrect bimbos and pricks,put them in a confined environment and watch them calling each other names and pretending to be smartasses.And this particular ode is to the asshole who runs the show.
May thee balls off,
thy mutter(ger. mother) be raped by a rabid dog
and thy brother
well i hope,he just dies.
When MTV started in the 80's it was seen as a sign of growing decadence of the american society.The USSR was in shambles,communism was coming to an end and the American economy was growing at a steady pace since the lows of the 70's.The country's youth were getting richer,fatter and naturally dumber.MTV was born to cater to this growing audience.It started by popularizing classic dirty-metal bands like motley crue and the rejuvenated Ozzy osbourne(the same guy who was in the Osbournes a decade later).The videos starring big-boobed and wide assed barenaked ladies(pun intended)were instant hits.This was followed by miss Madonna singing on the loss of virginity,sex with jesus and her conical bras.The 90's had britney,christina,the bootylicious beyonce's and the nigga rappers.With the addition of shows such as Jackass,MTV became the embodiment of the minds of the American youth-dirty,crass and lacking any sense of morality.
That's why i say that MTV is more evil than all the saas-bahu serials combined together.Don't believe in the false youth-icon programs,the red-ribbon concerts and fukintine-day celebrations.It's an evil network and it will continue to be.
Well,it seems tha i have spewed enough venom for today.I'll save some for the next post.And if you in any way feel offended by the content of this post,please do not write to me,read the header and fuck off.GoodBye.

Infinite Sadness

Ever wished that you could find a reason to be sad.Happiness is everywhere.Some think that it's tough to find but actually it's not.You're talking to someone.There's happiness when you talk,when you walk on the street,you see new things-a new billboard,people,children you feel the happiness surrounding you.To be unhappy or sad you have to be alone and then a part of you which you don't even think exists,starts to talk.You begin to feel the loneliness around you and you begin to wonder why.Do you want to be sad ? Some people may say no,maybe most of them but in the a deep corner of your heart or say the mind,you want to feel the loneliness sometime.Separate yourself from friends,people,your loved ones and begin to think of yourself.What am i doing here?Yes I'm living my life but for what exactly.I may be successful,i may end up a total wreck but how exactly does it matter.
Yes you think of the people around you,what they think of you but then you find yourself facing the eternal truth.You're parents,family,friends are just tiny elements in this process of life and death.Remove these tiny links from the polymer of life.It won't make a difference at all.The process will run as it has since forever.Now you get a better view.Me,myself and the world around me.What do we want from each other.Yes i may be insignificant for you but i can somehow affect you.You are as mortal as i am and maybe you need me more than i need you.
Maybe these are stupid questions.Maybe no one asks these questions but I do and i still look for answers.And then i feel sad because actually i don't understand what is the reason for my existence.Again i may be anything but that anything will be shared by millions,maybe billions of people.That shouldn't be the reason.My maternal grandfather died last year.I hadn't seen him for two years till his death.He lived a simple life.Most of the people around him liked him.Then he died leaving behind nothing.Maybe a legacy that only a few people will remember.If there is an afterlife he may be looking down on his stay here through a time-vessel analyzing the significance of his existence.Maybe there's a counter,a probabilistic model which tells the score of your existence,your being or not being,how it affects the world.
Don't get me wrong here.I'm not saying Gandhi or hitler will have a very high score on this model.Maybe they wouldn't.It's a totally independent,unbiased test of life not depending on public opinion or star quotient.Maybe a farmer in the hinterlands of India scores more than all world leaders combined.Maybe his life encompasses all that we were actually supposed to do.Lead a simple,uncomplicated life,keeping people around us happy.Maybe to feel the wind on our face,the moon in the night was actually the thing for us but we ended up mired in things which were never the basis of living.
I take a walk and i begin to see things for what they are.The movie poster with the painted faces on them is actually a tree which used to stand somewhere in some time,i know not when,people used to sit under it to protect themselves from the sun-that very orangy mass which we have forgot to see from under our rocks.The black mat under your feet is actually an apparel we dressed the earth with like we dressed ourselves.Maybe it didn't want to get dressed.Maybe we have done something we can never change and i feel sad again.I don't have a time capsule.If i had one,i would have analyzed existence,learnt lessons which have been so unsuccessfully missed by our great thinkers.And no,i can't and i feel sad again.
Yeah and it's a really long one.I have got bored myself.Maybe it's all crap.Maybe i will never think about it again because i won't have the time or solitude.But i am not the one to draw conclusions and maybe there's no conclusion.If you can,then make your own.

Why Individualism Scuks

If there was ever a guy named god,i say that he's undoubtedly the biggest asshole of all time.And who comes second,all the guy who believe in him and go to those places of hypocrisy which i say, should be replaced by lavatories and whorehouses for the general good.Why do we need religion?In the name of religion thousands of people get massacred each year and blah,blah,blah.I'm not hear to talk about it.Human beings(idiots) have an intrinsic tendency of wanting to kill each other.Some say they'll do it,some actually do it and they have been doing this since time immemorial and will keep on doing it till the shit comes to an end.Don't blame the Muslim warriors of faith(commonly referred to as terrorists).They're doing what their ancestors did for money,power,women etc.etc.Well it's a means of livelihood for them and entertainment for us.
What do people read news for.Your stupid anglophile teacher(the bitch) will say-"to keep yourself abreast with whatever's happening in YOUR world".I'll say- Entertainment.That's what news is for.Do you think people will be interested in listening to the news about our turbaned,lacking-a-personality prime-minister giving a discourse on the contribution of science & technology to the development of our great nation(Saare jahaan se Achha).That's something which is also news and it's also shown(believe me)on our terminally ill national network(Doordarshan).What grabs the news?Qasab & co kill some hundred people in India's tinsel-town.
"Cyclone kills 110 in china"-That's not too many.Anyways i hate those fucking yellow-skinned morons trying to fill our markets with their cheap,toxic stuffs.
"100 biharis killed in assam in the past year"-Light.Who gives a fuck about the bloody biharis.There are already too many.100 won't make a hell of a difference.
So now i praise the muslim warriors for providing us with continuous,unbridled,exhilarating entertainment for so many years.We thought Eiffel tower fell only in movies.They did it.'Woahh'-Never thought i would see it in my own life.Did you see how it fell.Awesome man.I wish i could have been there.I could have made some serious cash if just had a videocam.
The symbol of the great american dream fell and the world was agonized beyond saving.Sardar kids in amritsar lit up candles for the painful departed in the world's greatest city.Many of their dads(aspiring taxi-drivers in the land of the fair or the free west as the asshole called Tolkien once wrote)cried out for those who died.Back home some,I'm not sure how many, maybe some 100,000 people died in a long forgotten place called kashmir over a period of some 20 years(That's 5000 a year if you are a guy of averages).But dad wasn't going to drive a taxi in Srinagar.So Little Baljit didn't care.
So i come back to religion.We have a tendency of dividing ourselves in groups.Individualism is OK as long as you're a part of a group.A group of friends,a group of christians,a group of niggas.These are all groups and they all have a common pattern of formation.Birds of a feather flock together-that's what i say and i don't care to say anymore.But one thing,my religion,i take it as seriously as my orkut group and it isn't anything more than that.
Simplifying things can often help you.The complicated D'Alembert's principle is after all Newton's law wearing a wig.

FukinTine Day

Today is the auspicious day called "St. FukinTine day".Do I care about this day ?Of course I do.Every guy with his dick in the right place cares about this day.Then why am i writing this post ? No idea except that i want to say some something, about this phenomenon inspired by the bravado of the lecherous monk called 'Fukintine'.Well even if you are a hardcore pessimist like me you do feel a ray of hope on this day.Maybe some miracle will happen.A good-natured girl with a soft corner for single,unattractive guys comes to you,offers her hymen to you to devour.Or maybe you muster up courage and go and propose the beautiful,lonely,self-righteous who doesn't give a damn' about norms girl who always had a soft-spot for you and was just waiting to for you to make an advance and as the story goes,she agrees.You fall in love and fuck happily everafter.
I wish to say something about this Ram-sena or Shiv-sena or the dozens of organizations that magically crop up near this day.These groups are i must say, not to sound very harsh 'irritating' but i can't say the same about the intellectual mortals who respond to their crap.I myself have got bored of this junta's indignation to these people."Go get a life",''Unemployed morons","Losers who could never land a girl",etc. etc. The bashing of these organizations have become so regular and the catchphrases i hear have become so monotonous that i wish to say this to the educated junta-"Go get a FUCKIN' life.Get something else to do.Love can get you all sweaty and euphoric but it doesn't buy you a meal-A wise man (I think we all have an idea about the wise man) once said.".On valentine's day(I wish you could see the contorted features of my face right now-A pure,unadulterated scowl.) i suggest the lady and the man go to some private place.Express your love in a place where nobody gives a fuck abut you.Why hang around in a public park.Why do you want your love to be shared by unwilling people who haven't paid for the sightseeing.In the name of love, it sometimes does get too embarrasing for people who still can't talk about sex and kissing with their parents/kids.Go to a cinema hall,go to a library(that's what people do at my place).If you have the money and available infrastructure you can even go to a Disc and waste the hard-earned money of your dad on some ungrateful bitch(Maybe grateful if she provides you with the thing you actually spent the money for).Or go to khajuraho.This valentine day attend a class on love in its purest form(though short-lived).
Personally I don't blame the Ram-sena.Matter of fact their inspiration,Ram himself was a prude.He & wife were separated for some time in their 14 years odyssey but on return only the lady was subjected to some kind of post-marital virginity test.Why didn't the guy get himself tested.I don't know.Maybe it was because he was the guy.He may have had multiple relationships with Sabri,Roma and god knows who, but his integrity was beyond question.On the other hand Shiv was himself known to be a classified 'THARKI' and his love-sessions are the stuff of legends(Consult the puranas).A word of advice: if you & your friends want to start a new group and you've thought of a name ,do some background research before settling on it.You don't want to be called the Krishna-sena and found opposing V'day celebrations.
About the people in the news.Mrs. Renuka Choudhary.There are a few bitches in the world i hate with such single-minded determination than the pudgy-faced whore.If i ever meet the bitch minus her security guards, i'll beat her brain to pulp with a log,slap her multiple times and piss on her face my yellowest possible urine.The bitch has such an obsessive compulsion to stay in the limelight that she'll even get her two young bitches to marry a Muslim just for the fun of it.She's a true sycophant who's policies and ideals change as fast as her lingerie brand.I remember she was in the TDP once before she changed ship to the Congress(The masturbating Palm one).Rest is history.She's now women and child affairs minister with an abysmal record and her claim to fame being her support of the all-important festival of Love.Fuck her.
Aise,enough for today.And if you expected conclusions, well you'll have to make your own.See you next time if any of you prefers to come back(I don't expect many but if you do, then i'll have to say bit grudgingly though,You're Welcome.