The Sambhar Journals

I'm fat.I'm ugly.When I walk on the street,the world stops to admire me.The fair belles go gaga over me saying words that sound like "Ui Ma" , "Amma" or "Nennu Sexy ra".I don't know what causes it.Maybe it's the innate X-factor.I have a dense undergrowth on my lips, still I'm the most kissable thing on the planet.I walk into a dark alley and find heavily moustached rascalas(not more rascala than me though) molesting a pretty,dumb little thing in skirts.Though I haven't been to a gym in my life,I am the strongest person on the planet.I can't lift my legs upto my waist but I'm the most flexible thing around.They call me O-M-F-G-SuperElastic Reddy.I will save the pretty,dumb little thing from the bastards and then I'll teach her a lesson in manners,gradually South-Indianising her and forcing her to willingly wear Green Sarees and Badboodar(smelly)gazras.The dumb chick has been exported from the ignorant north where common-sense is still a force to be reckoned with.She'll speak in accented tones and is young enough to be my son's daughter but I'll be the one romancing her.Mother Earth wails out in pain when I do my routine which only few can refer to as dancing.The Goddess of English feels molested every time I speak her language.She holds her hands over her naked bosom and pleads with teary eyes but I don't stop because I'm a man on a mission.The laws of gravity surrender when I take to arms.Newton can twist and turn in his empty grave but he can do nothing.No villain has ever touched me because I'm faster than the speed of light.I jump dimensions and anticipate their moves in advance which begs a question from the writer of this moving piece of crap-Why the hell do I exist? I am the closest one can be to god.His eyes swell with tears when he(the writer) sees me on the white canvas.Some of my bigger admirers even piss in their pants because they can't take(hold) it anymore.As for the rest,they just say "What the Fuck ! Ye Cinema hai ya Circus."A familiar voice in my head says,"Mind It".